


I Couldn't Help But Wonder

by little_murmaider



Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Bickering and Banter, Gen, Gratuituous Sex and the City references, If you think about it Sex and the City is like the 6th member of Dethklok, Set during season 4, The Dethzine, emotional tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 17:39:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15977213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_murmaider/pseuds/little_murmaider
Summary: With everyone on edge in the wake of the Liquid Master's destruction, a discussion about seminal HBO programming from the late 90s and early 2000s threatens to tear the band asunder.





	I Couldn't Help But Wonder

**Author's Note:**

> This was my piece for The Dethzine, a Metalocalypse fanzine filled with amazing fanworks![ You can purchase a physical or digital copy here!](https://thedethzine.tumblr.com/Quick%20links) All proceeds will go to the charity [Direct Relief.](https://www.directrelief.org/) Get yours today!

 

Things were not great, since Nathan destroyed the Liquid Master™.   
  
Tension enveloped the band like a noxious, combustible gas–the tiniest spark could trigger an explosion. Even in their breeziest moments it felt as though they were teetering on a knife’s edge. On one side, vicious arguments; on the other, crushing silence.  
  
A flimsy peace found them that afternoon. The guys (save Murderface) soaked in the hot tub, drinking, watching footage of a botched proctocolectomy. Just like old times. Nathan’s laptop bobbed merrily in the churning water, and he frowned at the screen with discontent.   
  
“What’s with the face, Nate?” Pickles asked. Nathan’s sulk intensified.  
  
“I don’t want to _talk_ about it.”  
  
“Okey, whutever, I’m naht that invested–”  
  
“Alright I’ll tell you.” He took a breath. “Am I……...Wow, this is hard. Whew. Oh boy. Am I. The Carrie, in this group.”  
  
“You nots Carrie, you’s _Nathan_!” Toki bleated. “Who’s Carrie?”  
  
“I just took this _Which Sex and the City Character Are You?_ quiz and I don’t think these results are accurate.”  
  
“You means you disagrees wif de crack scientists at Time-Waste-a-Roonie-Dot-Net?” Skwisgaar said with a smirk.  
  
“Why don’ts you wants to be Carrie? She’s de mains Carrie-acter!”  
  
“She **_suuuuuuucks_**!” Nathan huffed. “Besides, I’m such a Miranda. Obviously.”  
  
“What? Dood, yer naht tha Miranda, I’m tha Miranda.”  
  
“What! Why?!”  
  
“Smart, rational, cynical, _thiiiiissssss_.” He gesticulated wildly to his untamed mop of red hair. “I’m tha Miranda.”  
  
Nathan scoffed.   
  
“Well. Then. Maybe I’m the Charlotte. I’ve got good breeding. And if presented with the opportunity, I’d marry Kyle McLaughlin.”  
  
“ _Dune_ McLaughlin or _Twin Peaks_ McLaughlin?”  
  
“No. Modern Day McLaughlin.”  
  
“Heh. I respect theet.”  
  
“He’s like a fine wine.”  
  
Skwisgaar tipped his head to the side. “Toki ams de Charlotte.”  
  
“Yeeah, a naive, idealistic dummy who thinks love can overcome any obstacle? That’s Toki.”  
  
“Yeahs!” Toki said brightly. Then, as realization crept in: “Heyyyyyyyy.”  
  
“Well! Then! Why can’t I be the Samantha!”  
  
A wry grin crawled across Pickles’s face.  
  
“Nathaaaaaaaan.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“C’mahn.”  
  
“ _What?"_  
  
“Don’tcha think someone else better fits tha bill?”  
  
“Who? Charles?”  
  
“Yeah, Nathans,” Toki drawled. “Isn’t dere another narcissistic blond what ams always hasing an improbable amounts of sexuals relations?”  
  
“It’s mes!” Skwisgaar glowed with misplaced pride. “Dey ams talking about mes!”  
  
Nathan slapped at the water with a grunt, spraying the others with a mist of hot foam.  
  
“ ** _Hrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh_** this sucks! I’m _not_ the Carrie! All she cares about is her _writing_ and her _dating life_ and _herself_. I’m not like that.”  
  
Pickles pumped his eyebrows. He chuckled without sound, set down his beer.  
  
“I dunno, **Nate** …”  
  
Toki and Skwisgaar exchanged a panicked, knowing look.  
  
“...I’d say **destroyin’** the record ye’ve worked on fer _months_ and _ruining_ yer vacation with yer best friend is _something a Carrie would do_.”  
  
“Oh, so it’s _like that_!”  
  
“If tha _Manolo Blahnik fits_!”  
  
“You know what Pickles?” Nathan’s eyes narrowed to slits. “You really _are_ a Miranda.”  
  
Pickles rose slowly to his feet. “Yeeah, how’s that?”  
  
“You’re judgemental. And neurotic.”  
  
“ ** _Neurotic?!_** ”  
  
“Skwisgaar!” Toki hissed. “You’re de Samantha! Diffuse de situation wifs a pun abouts sex!”  
  
“Uh, euygh, ahm, uhhhhhhh OH okays I gots it.” He re-positioned his guitar so the neck jutted upwards from his lap. “Hey guys. If mine dick was a guitar, ands I hads you-know-whats wif a lady, woulds you calls dat…huegh huegh...”   
  
He paused to steady himself.   
  
“...woulds you calls dat…………. _inter-chords_?”  
  
A hush fell over the room. Three pairs of unamused, unblinking eyes trained on Skwisgaar.   
  
“Ha ha, gets it, _chords_? Likes whats you plays? Ons a guitar? Ha ha...”  
  
His breathy giggles grew softer. Then slowed. Then stopped completely. He cleared his throat.   
  
After an eternity, Pickles whirled back on Nathan.   
  
“And _another thing–_ ”  
  
Toki punched Skwisgaar in the bicep. “Dat was terribles!”  
  
“Whats you wants?! I’m de worlds best guitarist,” Skwisgaar sneered. “Not de worlds best…..sex pun…..guys…..”  
  
“You can’ts put in a _little_ efforts when de band is on de lines?”  
  
“Oh shuts up, I’m ins de trenches dealing wif dese dildos all day! All _you_ does is runs off to gets drunk and steal aircraft carriers wif **_dat_** **_clown_**. ”  
  
“Dat was one times! Is it a crimes to wants to have funs?”  
  
“Ja! When you’re committing crimes, it ams!”  
  
“Fucks you!”  
  
“Fuck _yous_!”  
  
“ **EEEEEEEENOOOOOOOOOOOUGHHHHHH**.”  
  
The bickering came to a sudden, grinding halt. Standing at the lip of the tub was Murderface, arms crossed over his paunchy belly, tapping his foot. The guys squirmed, sheepish, beneath his disapproving gaze.    
  
“Wow. Wow wow wow. I am _scho_ dischappointed. How could you do thisch? _Again_? How could you...play the _who-matchesch-what-character_ game without me!”  
  
“Uh,” Pickles glanced at Nathan, the corner of his mouth rising. “We didn’t?"  
  
“It only comes up when you’re not around,” Nathan said with a shrug.  
  
“It comesch up **BECAUSCHE** I’m not around! You did it with _Golden Girlsch_ , you did it with Hogwarts Houschesch, you did it with _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlesch_ \--”  
  
“I’m Raphael,” Skwisgaar said under his breath, elbowing Toki in the ribs. Toki rolled his eyes. “Because I ams _cool_ , but _rudes_.”  
  
“ _Give mes a breaks_.”  
  
Pickles reclined, rotating his wrist as though winding up a thought.  
  
“Alright, alright, crybaby, we’ll include ya. Sheesh. You can be _nyeeeeeehhhhh_ Splinter.”  
  
“The rat?”  
  
“Yeeah!”  
  
“That’sch crap! I’ve got more dignity than a rat!”  
  
Nathan tented his fingers. “ _Do_ you, though?”  
  
“You’ve gaht weird teeth, and you smell like sewage, and yer always wearing a robe.”  
  
“I do _not_ always wear a robe!” Murderface cried, tightening his robe.   
  
“Would you feel better being Shredder?”  
  
Horror sunk Murderface’s features.   
  
“The bad guy? I’m not a bad guy, I’m a good guy! Good guy Murderface, they callsch me!”  
  
Pickles squinted. “Who? Who calls you that?”  
  
“You do yell about destroying turtles _a lot_.”  
  
“They can’t be truschted! What are they hiding under those schellsh! Come out and fight me like a man, you coward!”  
  
As the banter escalated, Toki knocked his shoulder into Skwisgaar’s.  
  
“Toki’s sorry.”  
  
“Me toos.”   
  
Turning back to the scene, Toki smiled. “At least dey ain’t fightings no mores.”  
  
“Yes, Toki.” He stared off into the middle distance. “Our future as a bands mights be uncertains, but dere ams one t’ing dat will always unites us. Dat ams de sacred practice of makesingks funs of Moidaface until he cries.”  
  
Toki nodded sagely. “Our desires to makes hims feel bads is what binds us.”  
  
“Ins a ways, Moidaface ams de heart and souls of dis bands.”  
  
“But we’s never tellings him dat, rights?”  
  
“Pft, no ways.”


End file.
